 In addition to reading at least 50 books in 2019, another of my goals for this year is to perform in a play. On the 2nd day of the year, I popped over to Lee St. theater in Salisbury to pick up a script & get all necessary audition information for the next performance. I began to read the script in my car a few hours before the audition was scheduled on January 3rd. The play is "The Cake", written by fellow North Carolina native, Bekah Brunstetter. At this point, I only had a vague idea of what it was about and did not yet realize that Brunstetter's story of "coming out" to your southern loved ones would be so inspiring & instrumental in my own life story. While reading the script that first time, [No Spoilers, I promise!] I literally laughed out loud & had tears in my eyes at different points. I wiped them away & gave the audition my best shot! I GOT THE PART! I will be playing, Jen, one of five characters, all played by amazing human beings. Della - Alice Rich; Macy - Jess Johnson; Tim - Chuck Riordan; and Voice - Len Clark. Rehearsals started immediately after the cast was announced. The cast, lead by our director, Kindra Steenerson, has been able to begin learning our characters inside, outside & upside down [Berenstain, 1997]. Kindra's style is so creative and thought-provoking! She gives us these wild exercises that at first seem strange but push us out of our comfort zone and lead to epiphanies that are have been so valuable throughout our character development phase! Shout out to Mister Manager! Our stage manager, Chris Eller, has kept all of the ducks (us actors) in a row & also on point, fed, refreshed, & focused! In 2017, during my first performance on the stage, Chris played my father (He had to wear a LOT of make-up & grey hair dye haha) & it was then that we became true friends. Chris is warm & nurturing but also, direct & assertive. This is, in my inexperienced opinion, the finest combination of traits to find in any stage manager as it is such a demanding role. In the few weeks we have been rehearsing for The Cake, I have, countless times, pulled from his Stage Manager Tool Box (Actual Tool Box); mints, pencils, medicine, candy, highlighters, etc. He has cooked for us, cleaned up after us, & corrected us kindly (I so appreciate his patience!) I believe each of us has been surprised at various points by just how eye-opening & cathartic the process has been. Not only are the characters living through conflict on the stage, the actors have been through analogous conflicts & by expressing these personal struggles to one another, engaging in open-minded discussions about hot-button topics, & welcoming one another for who they are - we, as a team, have become so incredibly close & we're still weeks from opening night! I feel so lucky to work with these talented people & learn from them each night! My Good Bi Day During our character development process, I was overcome with the feeling of being in the exact right place at the exact right time in my life. I was asked by the director to speak of my personal experiences with homosexuality in the south in a room of, then, strangers. I wasn't forced to open up (& typically wouldn't) but I heard the words flowing out before I could stop myself. I spoke of my experiences of being sheltered due to my lack of a traditional school setting & the constant moving. I admitted that as a teenager I was interested in multiple girls but was shamed by my peers and their parents (gossip travels fast through homeschool associations and the judgment within those circles was typically, in my experience, extreme and fueled by strict religious beliefs). I felt that homesexuality was a sin for many years and at 17 began a 3-year relationship with a man. After I broke up with him, I went on one date with a girl - over an hour away from my home and told no one except a friend who I worked with at a steakhouse at the time. Shortly thereafter, I got in another long-term relationship with said [male] friend which was, in short, not a healthy one. I thought if I was bisexual - it was my choice whether I could be "gay" or "straight". The world was telling me that being straight was easier, safer, more righteous somehow...and I believed it and until 3 weeks ago today, I stayed a closeted bisexual. Maybe (Hopefully) it doesn't matter to anyone which sexual preference I am but it matters to me to be honest about it. Feeling as though you have to hide pieces of who you are can be heartbreaking. There are many more anecdotes I have on my experience of realizing how fluid my sexuality is but I'll save those steamy details for the book [Title to be announced on next edition of blog - coming March 1st, 2019 - so excited!] 3 weeks ago I came out to all of my friends and family as bisexual via a social media post: "Good bi? Today, 1-12-19, in Concord, NC. I am officially owning my bisexuality. For years I have hidden the fact that I am bisexual. In the south, it has always been easier for me to pretend to be straight & only ever date men as I have heard & seen things like this all around me. I want to say I let it go but I pulled into a parking lot & sobbed. Crying for those I love & care about who believe that homosexuality is a sin & that by not repenting, I deserve to burn in hell. I know I am bisexual, I have no desire to repent who I am. I also know I am GOOD. I never thought I'd be able to say either of those things to the world but here we are. I am good. I am bi & if you believe I shouldn't be who I am or should be punished for who I am...good bye."  [left to right] Chuck, Jess, myself, & Chris. We ran into one another while seeing a play at Lee Street Theater, the fabulous "Irma Vepp". My Good Bi Day During our character development process, I was overcome with the feeling of being in the exact right place at the exact right time in my life. I was asked by the director to speak of my personal experiences with homosexuality in the south in a room of, then, strangers. I wasn't forced to open up (& typically wouldn't) but I heard the words flowing out before I could stop myself. I spoke of my experiences of being sheltered due to my lack of a traditional school setting & the constant moving. I admitted that as a teenager I was interested in multiple girls but was shamed by my peers and their parents (gossip travels fast through homeschool associations and the judgment within those circles was typically, in my experience, extreme and fueled by strict religious beliefs). I felt that homesexuality was a sin for many years and at 17 began a 3-year relationship with a man. After I broke up with him, I went on one date with a girl - over an hour away from my home and told no one except a friend who I worked with at a steakhouse at the time. Shortly thereafter, I got in another long-term relationship with said [male] friend which was, in short, not a healthy one. I thought if I was bisexual - it was my choice whether I could be "gay" or "straight". The world was telling me that being straight was easier, safer, more righteous somehow...and I believed this still but I'm finally willing to take the risk. Until 3 weeks ago today, I stayed a closeted bisexual. Maybe (Hopefully) it doesn't matter to anyone which sexual preference I am but it matters to me to be honest about it. Feeling as though you have to hide pieces of who you are can be heartbreaking. There are many more anecdotes I have on my experience of realizing how fluid my sexuality is but I'll save those steamy (but mostly tragically awkward &, in hindsight, hilarious) details for the book [Title to be announced on next edition of blog - coming March 1st, 2019 - so excited!] 3 weeks ago I came out to all of my friends and family as bisexual via a social media post: "Good bi? Today, 1-12-19, in Concord, NC. I am officially owning my bisexuality. For years I have hidden the fact that I am bisexual. In the south, it has always been easier for me to pretend to be straight & only ever date men as I have heard & seen things like this all around me. I want to say I let it go but I pulled into a parking lot & sobbed. Crying for those I love & care about who believe that homosexuality is a sin & that by not repenting, I deserve to burn in hell. I know I am bisexual, I have no desire to repent who I am. I also know I am GOOD. I never thought I'd be able to say either of those things to the world but here we are. I am good. I am bi & if you believe I shouldn't be who I am or should be punished for who I am...good bye." Within hours of posting, I received an outpouring of love and support from friends, family, & acquaintances - some of which - I was terrified of losing over this! The messages came through facebook & instagram messages & comments, over text, emails and phone calls. I was even told by multiple social media acquaintances that they have been in the closet and too scared to truly be themselves. To be told my story inspired someone else, blew me away. As a librarian and life-time reader, I have been inspired by millions of people's stories (I'm so grateful for each one!) and I'm so excited to think that mine could change someone else's life for the better in any small way.
Do you have a story of sexual discovery? If so & if you're comfortable doing so, please share your experience because you never know who could benefit from your experiences of growth & discovery. If you live in the South East, do you feel that the southern culture has effected/continues to effect your views on sexuality, gender, sexual preference, sexual development, etc.? Emma Marie Rose & Red March Publishing will be announcing the title of her first full-length book in the next blog post on March 1st, 2019. If you have questions never hesitate to contact me! The book will be a collection of humorous memoirs & is considered the opposite of a self-help book. Thank you for reading the Pish Tosh Blog. p.s. Should I have a sign off phrase? ...stay classy North Carolina?...This is CN...?...Stay Sexy & get murdered?...Any ideas? Please comment them below.
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