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This marks my final blog entry of 2019. What a huge year it has been: I quit my job of over 10 years to pursue acting & comedy in a new city, I've lost & I've loved, I tried new things that scared me & I've learned so much about myself, the world, & my new career in the performing arts. I'm so excited to see what the new year holds & I plan to start 2020 off strong with some SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, & Time-based). Some of the goals below are based on important values that I hold such as physical, mental, &/or financial health. Others are based on furthering my career as a writer, improvisor, & actor. Goals for 2020
I hope you have enjoyed my blogging experiment this year, I have certainly enjoyed the ability to reflect & share that this medium has afforded me.
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 | *My plan this year is to publish a blog entry each month. As I'd like to publish my final post at the end of the year, this entry (#11), has been delayed until mid November as it is the half-way point between entries 10 & 12. Or because I had a lot going on & haven't made the time to finish this post by November first...Tomato, Tomato. Blog #11 Contents ~October Recap~ ~Pish Tosh Podcast~ ~Acting/Performing~ ~Planning/Goals~ ~TikTok~ |
October Recap!
October, the spookiest of the months, has always been a favorite of mine! In October, the leaves change color, Halloween is celebrated, & those greedy winter holidays begin to stretch their tinsel tentacles into stores near you to suffocate us all with Christmas cheer. Personally, October was a fulfilling month of acting, auditioning, podcasting, & wrapping up my Improv for Actors program to begin my first level of the Conservatory Program at the Second City. The highlights of October depicted below include but are not limited to: Haircuts for Judy & I, Celebrating Halloween, experiencing the first snow since moving to IL, the Scarecrow Festival in St. Charles, the Morton Arboretum, Seeing Blue October in Concert, staying on the Mississippi River in IA, performing on the Podcast from Hell...
Judy & I got haircuts! | . Blue October. |
Celebrating Spooky Season as
Maya Rudolph the Red-Headed Reindeer
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THE | |
I'm so excited to announce that The Pish Tosh Podcast
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Acting/Performing
Since quitting my second library job this year & moving from outer Illinois into the City of Chicago, I have been lucky enough to find work as a background actor/extra for major films & television shows working alongside talented & famous actors. I've learned so much from being in & around professional film sets. I've met wonderful people & worked alongside diligent professionals. It's wonderful to actually collect a paycheck, be it modest, for doing what I really love. I am painstakingly vague about my set time as revealing details about the scenes is prohibited. Yet, I think it's safe to tell you about a few quick personal experiences which all took place within a three day period.
It was a Monday that I headed to a new set. The commute there included an hour drive & 2 van rides. There were only a handful of extras that day & I enjoyed making some friends (a women who lives less than a mile from me & a cool guy that writes & directs short films). During a scene that day, I was upgraded (I didn't know what that meant). I was asked to sing with the talent & to improv a bit with a small child actor who I was parenting in this scene. At the end of the day, I was asked to fill out separate paperwork in my trailer (WHAT!). I filled out the paperwork & learned that the upgrade meant I would get a SAG credit (with The Actors Union) & I would receive a check that was...more than I expected ;D.
The following day was Tuesday, I worked 14 hours on the set of a major Hollywood movie with an award winning director with FOUR HUNDRED other extras. By the time I got on the train it was one a.m. & my face was raw for two reasons. The first being the cold. Four hours of the shoot were spent outside in the cold night air on Lake Michigan. We had to remove all of our coats, blankets, hand warmers, hats, scarves, gloves, etc. each time they called "Pictures Up" so that we were convincing summertime characters. The second reason my face was sensitive was because it had recently been scrubbed clean by a thorough makeup artist. I spent most of the bitterly cold evening with blood on my face & hands (Hey! You get paid extra! & it wasn't real blood).
I got home & showered the remainder of the blood out of my hair & proceeded to fall asleep around 2:30 in the morning. My alarm went off an hour later because I had to be to the Cinespace Studios Parking Lot to catch a 4:30 am bus that would take me to my next gig. Fortunately, this shoot only lasted 6 hours & I slept the entire bus ride to & from the shoot.
I have had days as short as a few hours & as long as 16. I've had shoots with horses, explosions, children, fire, & fake shooting. I've acted in 1920's, the 1960's, the present, alternate universes, & the near future. I feel like the luckiest person. I'm currently booked for a commercial gig & I am a core background player on a Fox show. Core means, I work multiple days on the set & I'm reoccurring. I'm a long way from gaining reoccurring speaking roles, being the star or costar, or making six figures but I'm so thankful to be working successfully in a new exciting field that I love.
It was a Monday that I headed to a new set. The commute there included an hour drive & 2 van rides. There were only a handful of extras that day & I enjoyed making some friends (a women who lives less than a mile from me & a cool guy that writes & directs short films). During a scene that day, I was upgraded (I didn't know what that meant). I was asked to sing with the talent & to improv a bit with a small child actor who I was parenting in this scene. At the end of the day, I was asked to fill out separate paperwork in my trailer (WHAT!). I filled out the paperwork & learned that the upgrade meant I would get a SAG credit (with The Actors Union) & I would receive a check that was...more than I expected ;D.
The following day was Tuesday, I worked 14 hours on the set of a major Hollywood movie with an award winning director with FOUR HUNDRED other extras. By the time I got on the train it was one a.m. & my face was raw for two reasons. The first being the cold. Four hours of the shoot were spent outside in the cold night air on Lake Michigan. We had to remove all of our coats, blankets, hand warmers, hats, scarves, gloves, etc. each time they called "Pictures Up" so that we were convincing summertime characters. The second reason my face was sensitive was because it had recently been scrubbed clean by a thorough makeup artist. I spent most of the bitterly cold evening with blood on my face & hands (Hey! You get paid extra! & it wasn't real blood).
I got home & showered the remainder of the blood out of my hair & proceeded to fall asleep around 2:30 in the morning. My alarm went off an hour later because I had to be to the Cinespace Studios Parking Lot to catch a 4:30 am bus that would take me to my next gig. Fortunately, this shoot only lasted 6 hours & I slept the entire bus ride to & from the shoot.
I have had days as short as a few hours & as long as 16. I've had shoots with horses, explosions, children, fire, & fake shooting. I've acted in 1920's, the 1960's, the present, alternate universes, & the near future. I feel like the luckiest person. I'm currently booked for a commercial gig & I am a core background player on a Fox show. Core means, I work multiple days on the set & I'm reoccurring. I'm a long way from gaining reoccurring speaking roles, being the star or costar, or making six figures but I'm so thankful to be working successfully in a new exciting field that I love.
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Planning/Goals
"They say, "We Plan, God Laughs."
That's why I do so much planning. Because if I can make GOD laugh, I must be a pretty good comedian." Emma Rose
| It's that time of year again! The time of year in which I look back on my deliriously lofty goals made in January & sigh in shame at what I have not accomplished. This year is different though! No, I haven't actually completed the goals I set for myself (Not Even Close! HA!) YET, I am choosing to focus on what I HAVE accomplished instead of what I have not. I am also using this time to finally set some reasonably attainable goals for myself & manage my expectations more appropriately so that I am not overcome with guilt when I inevitably do not, for example, read a book every singe week for a year! |  |
Each year, since as long as I can remember (so at least three years), I have created goals in January & worked diligently (& anxiously) to mark each off of my list. These lists are deeply personal & I typically never share them. I decided to be vulnerable & share this year's list with my partner Corey. I am so glad I did because it led to a powerful discussion about how important it is to set attainable goals so that your confidence & self-worth are not eroded when you are not successful at completing them all.
I have decided to stay on the vulnerability train & get off at the next stop by sharing with the public my list of 2019 goals right here below. As an exercise in positive self affirmation, I have also re-framed the goals so that they reflect what I have accomplished this year. Upon reflecting on the Green text below, I hope to feel proud of myself instead of ashamed, strong instead of weak, accomplished instead of worthless as I have in so many autumns past.
I have decided to stay on the vulnerability train & get off at the next stop by sharing with the public my list of 2019 goals right here below. As an exercise in positive self affirmation, I have also re-framed the goals so that they reflect what I have accomplished this year. Upon reflecting on the Green text below, I hope to feel proud of myself instead of ashamed, strong instead of weak, accomplished instead of worthless as I have in so many autumns past.
Goals of 2019:
- Quit Smoking. I went over ten weeks in a row without a single cigarette (That's longer than I have since I was nineteen years old). Cumulatively, I have went an estimated four months of this year without having a cigarette. I have learned & continue to learn about my triggers for having a cigarette & my avenues for avoiding the temptation to smoke. Currently, I'm eight days smoke free.
- Pay off Student Loans & Medical Bills. I have healthy teeth, a healed right hand, up-to-date contact lenses, & a Master's Degree. Maybe I still need to make my monthly payments for a bit longer but I certainly would never trade back my abilities to draw, smile confidently, see clearly, or think critically.
- Bike 30 miles in one day. I worked my way up from 3 miles in one stretch (my highest record previous to this year) to 20 miles!
- 50 Books/Audiobooks. I read 25 books & I'm still reading.
- 19 fitness classes. This is a rare goal I achieved & even exceeded. Some goals benefit from their specificity & some from their open-ended nature. By setting this goal with the vague term "fitness", I was able to explore a variety of classes such as cross fit, heat yoga, roller derby boot camp, & zumba.
- Enter 100 Contests. As I only entered 3, this is a great example of how some goals need necessary specificity to keep you motivated.
- Perform stand-up 20 times. I did stand-up comedy twice. The first was a warm & successful Friday evening set. It was attended by a crowd which included family & friends at The Mean Mug Coffee Shop in my familiar city of Salisbury, NC. The second was on a cold, damp night in the then unfamiliar & daunting landscape of Chicago. I wasn't aware at the time but I had chosen the most notoriously mean comedy open mic night in Chicago & was heckled off stage. (I may have offered to fight someone outside). I am proud of both!
- Do stand-up for 30+ minutes. See above. Haha.
- Perform in a play. This is another goal achieved & I am so indescribably grateful for my experience performing in Bekah Brunstetter's "The Cake" with a fabulous cast, crew, director & stage manager whom all carry I piece of my heart!
- 30 pushups in a row. That's a hard NAWP! I did 20 in a row though! #PROUD
- Finish writing music accompaniment for 5 original songs (perform at least one of them for an audience of some sort). I want to say that I am musically challenged but the truth is that I am practicing-challenged. I may not have instrumental accompaniment to my original songs YET but I have performed them at open mic nights, to my steering wheel, & in the shower. #BOOMPROUD
- 12 blog entries: one post per month. Well, Looky-there! I am accomplishing this one as you read...how meta! One more to go! December's blog entry, my final of 2019, will come toward the end of the month/year so that I may wrap a bow satisfactorily on the year's events & experiences.
- 100 auditions. I did 15! That's 15 times I reviewed & printed my resume & head shots. Fifteen times I overcame sweat, shakes, fear, & self-doubt. FIFTEEN times I spoke audibly in front of complete strangers for the sole purpose of them judging me from my head to my toe, from my clothes to my voice, from my spirit to my style. Yep, when I think of it that way 15 starts to feel like a much larger number.
- Finish Writing my Book Trilogy, Illustrate it & publish it! I have completed over 45,000 words when I planned for the first in the trilogy to be around 50,000. I plan to spend these next few chilly winter months sipping coffee, pulling the threads of thought & memory, & typing them up into my first draft. There are so many steps between first draft & publication. #Specificity #Attainability #Proud! (I don't think hashtags benefit me in any way but I enjoy them as emphasize & often accidentally say them in my day-to-day conversations so I'm just being true to myself here.)
- Publish 10 Podcast Episodes: Although this was a late addition to the 2019 goal list, I have 22 published Podcasts & another 7 will debut before the year is over!
After doing some research I've learned how important it is to set S.M.A.R.T. goals:
| As I plan my 2020 goals, I'll be asking myself if they are truly SMART goals or just more unrealistic hopes. I won't be coming up with these overnight yet I will be sure to have them airtight by the time I publish my next & final blog entry of 2019. |  |
TIK TOK
TikTok is a social networking application that was once known as Musically. It's popular with the younger generation. It features short (15 or 60 second) videos. They offer a lot of editing & enhancement options such as filters, stickers, text, speed variation, & voice effects that have me rollin'! @pishtoshpodcast & @judybooks
Anyway...maybe I'm too old but I'm embracing TikTok pretty hard right now. Peace from the bandwagon, ya'll!
Anyway...maybe I'm too old but I'm embracing TikTok pretty hard right now. Peace from the bandwagon, ya'll!
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Happy Thanksgiving to All! |  |
I was a Librarian
| When people ask me what I do for a living, the three impossibly simple words "I'm a librarian." are always at the tip of my tongue & yet, that's no longer the whole truth. I'll always be a librarian, yes, & I worked hard for the ability to be & say that I am, yet, I'm currently pursuing different goals. Many different goals. My answer these days is usually a stutter of "uh...well...I..." followed by some combination of Writer or Artist or Actor or Comedian (all partially correct). If I'm feeling particularly drained the answer is simply, "I was a librarian." If I'm feeling particularly confident, I might say "I'm an entrepreneur working hard to fulfill my dreams". |  |
 | My routine as a librarian was impossibly busy & entailed being at one of the branches for most of my waking hours. Now, my time is my own, & I would be doing myself a disservice if I spent any less hours pursuing my current career than I spent as a librarian. I've never been one to stick to a routine. Without the structure of school as a child, I never ate, went to sleep, or woke up at the same time from one day to the next. I'm trying this whole "routine" thing out now for the first time to increase consistent productivity & balance. |
As a frustrating rule of thumb, my mind seems to reject consistency & balance. It spits them back out like sour fruit when I try to shovel them into my life. This propensity for chaos is what makes my recent career change both terrifying & potentially quite successful because in my new career(s) flexibility is a necessity while job stability is a rare luxury. Writing, one of my first passions, has historically helped me wrap my fingers around sanity & hold it tightly yet gently & so, now I write to gain perspective about my various new professional ventures. I publish to solidify that my decisions to take this leap into unknown realms of employment & unemployment & employment & unemployment may be scary but I should not be ashamed of them & do not need to hide them even if it is my initial instinct to do so.
I am a Writer
| I have published articles for the local newspaper in my hometown. I have written books that will never be published as they have been long lost in one of my many many moves. I have taken online workshops & courses, completed Writing 1 & plan to begin Writing 2 at the Second City Training Center next month. You are reading my 10th of 12 blog entries...and yet, I have the most difficulty calling myself a writer. I have always enjoyed writing (creatively, professionally, academically, etc.) & so I'm unsure what accomplishment will make the title finally feel true for me. |  |
I cannot say for certain, yet I believe the title will fit more comfortably after the publication of my current major project "The Octopus Ink" an illustrated autobiographical memoir. The first in a simple trilogy "The Suicide Shark" depicting the journey protagonist, Red March takes to save her own life. I am currently forty thousand words deep & hope to have the first draft of the first book to the editor within the month.
I am an Artist
I have always been happy to own the fact that I am an artist but I have never meant it in any professional capacity in the past. Although I enjoy creating graphics, posting promotional material, etc. I am not one to ask for help or self-promote boldly. Having said that, I have recently decided to start offering my services for a price. I have typically reserved my artwork for gifts, apologies, decorations, to promote The Pish Tosh Podcast or the library I used to work at, or most often, to simply express myself in whatever medium I chose to without any expectations. Yet I have developed the confidence to ask for payment for my artwork because I know the following two statements to be fact: 1: I buy & cherish artwork from actual artists & 2: I believe one should support artists talent & skills & hard work.
I am an Actor
Historically, I have had an obsession with television & film yet secretly, I had maintained a skewed negative view of actors in general for much of my early life (by "actors" I mean to include all genders). The screen has always comforted me, made me laugh, cry, & most importantly think. It basically raised me as I spent many hours at home alone in front of the busy glowing buzzing body of the tube. In spite of my admiration for film & TV, actors seemed like aliens to me. I loved the characters yet the people behind them seemed like fiction. I thought of actors as wealthy, stuck-up, lucky, connected, entitled, lazy, narcissistic, unappreciative unicorns who lived on another planet with money trees & in-ground swimming pools.
When I auditioned for the first time in 2017 & began rehearsing for my first performance, my perception of actors quickly changed. I have never before voiced (or written of) my previous distaste for actors in general as I try not to give sound (noise, really) to negative, unhelpful perceptions. I have since learned that actors who take their craft &/or career seriously are some of the most hardworking, self-aware individuals I've ever known. I immediately felt at home among other actors. Many of us share commonalities (some of which are more attractive than others): Attention-seeking behavior, flexibility, commitment, a retentive memory, an artistic flare, a respect for & desire to better understand the audience, the art form, & the story we are portraying.
My second audition was also a success & I gained another leading part but my next two auditions produced no roles & I tried not to let myself be devastated. Getting back on the horse & auditioning again paid off & earlier this year, I played a role that solidified my love for acting & the acting community. It was during this, my most recent, play that I decided to quit my job of over 10 years & by the close of the show, I was unemployed & ready-or-not was getting my fresh start. My performance gigs then (plays & stand-up showcases mostly) had been satisfying & rewarding in many ways but for the most part not monetarily beneficial.
My second audition was also a success & I gained another leading part but my next two auditions produced no roles & I tried not to let myself be devastated. Getting back on the horse & auditioning again paid off & earlier this year, I played a role that solidified my love for acting & the acting community. It was during this, my most recent, play that I decided to quit my job of over 10 years & by the close of the show, I was unemployed & ready-or-not was getting my fresh start. My performance gigs then (plays & stand-up showcases mostly) had been satisfying & rewarding in many ways but for the most part not monetarily beneficial.
Unfortunately, recognizability (not technically a word yet) is a big part of landing paying roles yet it's a catch-22 for any actor just starting out:
-> Many roles submissions require video reels, head shots, education, &/or recognition in the acting community
-> These things cost money &/or require on-set experience which you would get from landing roles.
In North Carolina, I had opportunities that I will always cherish: Doing the three plays mentioned above, performing as the lead character in a short film (This was my first lead role on film & my first acting role in which I was paid!), acting in a small dramatic role in my first full-length feature film Reggie, a millennial depression comedy (This was my first credit on IMDB!), & acting in a simple tourist commercial that promoted a county I still love.
Here in Chicago, I am surrounded by opportunities but I'm unsure of which to grab for or exactly how. It feels like being in one of those game show dollar bill tornado wind-tunnel...machine things. I've been fortunate enough to perform as an extra on some major network TV shows & have found that the unpredictability of acting (call time, amount of time acting & in holding, location, wardrobe, scenes, etc. is typically a complete mystery) is balanced out by the experience I gain from being surrounded by professionals (actors, directors, writers, talented crew, producers, etc.) which is invaluable. It also doesn't hurt that as background talent willing to jump when the casting agent says to, I have made more in this industry hourly than I did as a librarian (with a master's degree in a management position).
-> Many roles submissions require video reels, head shots, education, &/or recognition in the acting community
-> These things cost money &/or require on-set experience which you would get from landing roles.
In North Carolina, I had opportunities that I will always cherish: Doing the three plays mentioned above, performing as the lead character in a short film (This was my first lead role on film & my first acting role in which I was paid!), acting in a small dramatic role in my first full-length feature film Reggie, a millennial depression comedy (This was my first credit on IMDB!), & acting in a simple tourist commercial that promoted a county I still love.
Here in Chicago, I am surrounded by opportunities but I'm unsure of which to grab for or exactly how. It feels like being in one of those game show dollar bill tornado wind-tunnel...machine things. I've been fortunate enough to perform as an extra on some major network TV shows & have found that the unpredictability of acting (call time, amount of time acting & in holding, location, wardrobe, scenes, etc. is typically a complete mystery) is balanced out by the experience I gain from being surrounded by professionals (actors, directors, writers, talented crew, producers, etc.) which is invaluable. It also doesn't hurt that as background talent willing to jump when the casting agent says to, I have made more in this industry hourly than I did as a librarian (with a master's degree in a management position).
 | Since being in Chicago I have acted as background talent for 2 major television shows (I just finished up my latest gig this morning), I have assisted directors as they experiment with new technology, I was in a few short films, performed stand-up & have submitted various auditions in-person & self-taped. It's an exciting new industry for me & whether I ever "make it big" or not, I love the act of acting & as long as I am given the opportunity to do what I love, I vow to appreciate it & enjoy the climb. |
I am a Comedian
I began writing & performing Stand-Up Comedy about a year ago. I have always enjoyed making myself & others laugh whenever possible because of the many benefits of comedy (the mental & physical health benefits of laughter itself, gaining new perspectives, releasing tension, the distraction from daily stresses & lifetime struggles, opening minds, sharing stories, etc.).
I have used comic relief to carry me through the hardest struggles I've dealt with so far & plan to use this weapon to help me fight through any future struggles that are thrown my way as well.
I have used comic relief to carry me through the hardest struggles I've dealt with so far & plan to use this weapon to help me fight through any future struggles that are thrown my way as well.
I so enjoy performing stand-up but I must actively suppress (or at least channel) the crippling anxiety that comes with standing in front of a room full of strangers & basically performing a monologue in the hopes that someone will find a piece they can relate to & will retaliate with a titter, a laugh, applause, or maybe even a tip. The thrill of performing stand-up is unlike anything I've experienced in that it is uniquely a solitary experience - If you fail, it's on you yet if you succeed, you get the credit. Having said that, aside from the thrills, one of my favorite advantages of performing & absorbing stand-up comedy has been the friendships I've made along the way.
A couple of days before the big move from NC to IL, I volunteered to help out at the NC Comedy Festival & if you're a penny-pincher like me, volunteering at comedy festivals, at theaters, etc. is a great way to access some amazing performances, help out, meet some of the funniest people around, & not go broke while you're at it.
A couple of days before the big move from NC to IL, I volunteered to help out at the NC Comedy Festival & if you're a penny-pincher like me, volunteering at comedy festivals, at theaters, etc. is a great way to access some amazing performances, help out, meet some of the funniest people around, & not go broke while you're at it.
| I moved to Chicago specifically to take classes at the Second City Training Center. The move has turned out to be the best decision I've made so far. I took Improv level A with Ed Garza & because of this course, I met my funny, handsome, talented partner, Corey. I took Writing 1 with Bina Martin & because of this course, I was inspired to start the Pish Tosh Podcast. I then applied for & gained access to the Second City's Improv for Actors program. I am currently finishing up my second course which makes me eligible to apply for the Conservatory Program which is the advanced program & the cornerstone of the Second City Training Center. I know many who have had to audition several times before gaining access (many auditioners will never be accepted unfortunately). I have auditioned for the Coached Ensemble & The Conservatory Program in just the past couple of weeks & although, I may not have been approved for either (jury is still out), I have learned so much from going through the process that I can apply for my next auditions. |  |
Speaking of auditions, I have two more this evening! So I better get to them & wish me luck!
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read (& listen to the Weekly Pish Tosh Podcast!)
As always, any feedback is welcome & encouraged!
One Year Ago Today, following a long & stressful day at work, I took a long drive to & from a stand-up set & drank a few glasses of wine while at the venue (performers typically get the first 1 for free). My 26 years was feeling long enough, too long even. Too many years of masking pain that was inflicted on me by others but mostly by myself. All the pain I consented to willingly, believing it was somehow what I deserved.
Upon arriving "home" to my lonely, sparse, studio apartment, I settled in for the longest panic attack I've endured so far. It lasted from before I left the comedy show all the way until the sun came up the following morning. I am no stranger to panic attacks but this was the longest & deepest yet. It was powerful & relentless. I hallucinated most of the night. I believed demons were shifting around the apartment, tugging at me, snapping snarly jaws at me. I knew that they weren't real but I saw them. I felt them. The fear was real.
If you've never experienced a panic attack, they can vary in strength from "I'm Pretty Anxious & need to stop & take some deep breaths." to "I'M DYING! ALL OF MY ORGANS ARE CONTRACTING & I WILL SURELY SUFFOCATE SOON!". Sometimes you hyperventilate. Sometimes you shake uncontrollably. Sometimes you hurt yourself or others. That night I felt as if I was having a heart attack that lasted for over eight hours with no hope that I would allow myself to seek out a hospital or medical professional.
Upon arriving "home" to my lonely, sparse, studio apartment, I settled in for the longest panic attack I've endured so far. It lasted from before I left the comedy show all the way until the sun came up the following morning. I am no stranger to panic attacks but this was the longest & deepest yet. It was powerful & relentless. I hallucinated most of the night. I believed demons were shifting around the apartment, tugging at me, snapping snarly jaws at me. I knew that they weren't real but I saw them. I felt them. The fear was real.
If you've never experienced a panic attack, they can vary in strength from "I'm Pretty Anxious & need to stop & take some deep breaths." to "I'M DYING! ALL OF MY ORGANS ARE CONTRACTING & I WILL SURELY SUFFOCATE SOON!". Sometimes you hyperventilate. Sometimes you shake uncontrollably. Sometimes you hurt yourself or others. That night I felt as if I was having a heart attack that lasted for over eight hours with no hope that I would allow myself to seek out a hospital or medical professional.
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On the morning of September 8th, 2018, I took a hard look at my life. I thought about how when I wasn't at work I had to be intoxicated as quickly as possibly to try to keep the pain away. I started avoiding loved ones because I didn't want them to know how bad it had gotten & risk hurting them with the reality of my situation. I drank alone or with others who drank like fish. We swam in schools from bar to bar. I knew with every fiber of my being that if I didn't quit drinking, if I lost control of myself, I'd stop swimming. I'd sleep with the fishes...in the mobster kind of way...not in the way that I was already sleeping with some of the fishes in my small town...
Side note: I don't believe everyone should avoid alcohol. I do know that I should. As my aunt, who has celebrated over 20 years of sobriety, puts it, "I have a problem with me drinking. I don't have a problem with you drinking."
It felt like I was joking, laughing, & smiling my way through life as it continually nailed me with no foreplay & the only lubricant I had was alcohol. Without my beloved lube, the few months following Panic-Ageddon were some of the most difficult & painful of my life. Not only was I dealing with my past problems that I was finally able to face because of the opportunity that sobriety gave but I was also trying to handle some new problems which arose between September-November. To name a few; someone close to me threatened suicide on multiple occasions without realizing how close I was myself; I was kicked out of my residence through no fault of my own & had to relocate in a single day back to my alcoholic father's home; I suffered a nasty infection that caused a fever & tiny red dots to explode over my body, my father was drunk at 3pm & I had to drive myself, deliriously to urgent care to find that my front teeth were dying/dead due to the acid from the alcohol & near-daily vomiting sessions, new teeth would cost thousands & the medical debt from my therapy visits was already piling up. I wanted so desperately to escape. I almost did a few times. Somehow, I remained sober with a combination of fear & self-bullying. I don't recommend this route but it worked for me in the beginning until I started to feel a shift around month three of sobriety. Months 3-6, I fell into the habit of not-drinking & it became more comfortable. It felt like using your non-dominant hand & accepting that this is how it has to be. I learned that in reality between December - March but that's a different story all-together. I was surprised to find that even without alcohol, I still made mistakes & bad choices on the regular but it was easier to understand, learn from, & remedy with sobriety now riding shotgun (my love for corny phrases has increased since then also).
Side note: I don't believe everyone should avoid alcohol. I do know that I should. As my aunt, who has celebrated over 20 years of sobriety, puts it, "I have a problem with me drinking. I don't have a problem with you drinking."
It felt like I was joking, laughing, & smiling my way through life as it continually nailed me with no foreplay & the only lubricant I had was alcohol. Without my beloved lube, the few months following Panic-Ageddon were some of the most difficult & painful of my life. Not only was I dealing with my past problems that I was finally able to face because of the opportunity that sobriety gave but I was also trying to handle some new problems which arose between September-November. To name a few; someone close to me threatened suicide on multiple occasions without realizing how close I was myself; I was kicked out of my residence through no fault of my own & had to relocate in a single day back to my alcoholic father's home; I suffered a nasty infection that caused a fever & tiny red dots to explode over my body, my father was drunk at 3pm & I had to drive myself, deliriously to urgent care to find that my front teeth were dying/dead due to the acid from the alcohol & near-daily vomiting sessions, new teeth would cost thousands & the medical debt from my therapy visits was already piling up. I wanted so desperately to escape. I almost did a few times. Somehow, I remained sober with a combination of fear & self-bullying. I don't recommend this route but it worked for me in the beginning until I started to feel a shift around month three of sobriety. Months 3-6, I fell into the habit of not-drinking & it became more comfortable. It felt like using your non-dominant hand & accepting that this is how it has to be. I learned that in reality between December - March but that's a different story all-together. I was surprised to find that even without alcohol, I still made mistakes & bad choices on the regular but it was easier to understand, learn from, & remedy with sobriety now riding shotgun (my love for corny phrases has increased since then also).
 | Between months 6-9, I started to really notice the benefits of my sobriety. In the beginning, I was so focused on all the things I was losing; the warm fuzzy buzzes, the long, exciting, laughter-filled nights with my fishes, the relief from feeling bad. I started to consciously & subconsciously focus, instead, on what I was gaining; perspective on addiction, my relationships, personal responsibility; a healthier body; money that would have been spent at the bar or on drunk purchases; the morning time!; feeling feelings & actually knowing what they are! Once I was thinking more clearly, I was able to make the big scary decisions that were necessary to change my life for the better (or at least I hoped they would! That's why they were so scary!). In January I ended a newly blossoming relationship that I didn't truly need or want. In February, I quit my job of over 10 years. In March, I started going to Al-Anon to communicate about my father's illness with those who could relate. |
In April, I moved half way across the country to take an opportunity that I never felt like I deserved before & stay with my aunt. In May, I started AA & I started classes at The Second City Training Center in Chicago, finally pursuing my dreams without holding myself back with chemicals & distractions.
| Today is one year of sobriety. I'm happier than I ever remember being. I still hurt. I still make mistakes. I am still wrong. I have grown. I am growing. I will grow. & I will not do anything to stand in my own way anymore (or at least I will remind myself daily to try not to!) Thank you to those who have supported me. Especially my Aunt Dot who was a rock for me last year when I visited her over Labor Day & she first introduced me to the possibility of sobriety & who has given me advice, a kind & listening ear, a roof over my head, & a chance that I will always recognize & cherish. |  |
ON A LIGHTER NOTE!
I wrapped up my first term of the Improv for Actors program at the Second City with some very comedically talented new friends!
This fun bunch celebrated the end of our first term of the Second City Training Center's Improv for Actors Program with Tacos & Sangria on Sunday, August 18th, 2019! Some are moving on to star in plays, perform operas, & follow their dreams in other ways outside of the Second City while others (myself included) are returning next weekend for Improv for Actors 2! Can't wait to see you guys again, either in class or on the stage, internet, &/or TV!
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New Cooking Series: |   |
Thank you to Mary, Jacob, & Lauren for the great comedy commentary on the Pish Tosh Podcast in August!
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|  The Gushing August Artery |
Thank you for reading, watching, & listening! Suggestions & feedback is always welcome so feel free to contact me! If you're interested in being a guest or sponsor for the Pish Tosh Podcast &/or The Pish Tosh Blog let me know! |  |
The Deep Dish on The Pish Tosh Podcast
I started the Pish Tosh Podcast in mid June and have since published 7 episodes. I have learned some of the ins & outs of what all it takes to create, edit, publish, & promote a successful podcast. I have learned in the only way I know how...on my own, by doing (wrong) then doing again (still wrong) then doing again (probably still wrong...but better...just post it, you're already late anyway!), AKA the hard way. Although I've experienced technical difficulties, user errors, & exchanged too many emails with various IT professionals, this has been an amazing exercise for me - in that, I have found a way of communicating & connecting with others (individually & to the audience of listeners at large ((can I say at large if there are only a few of you as of yet?)) (((I love all eight of you!!!))))))). I have not taken this opportunity for granted. Nor have I taken it lightly, as I am fascinated by the nuances of our unique perspectives of the human experience. Oh how this perception blossoms when people can connect & converse, when they can share & support, when we can laugh together...I can't think of anything better. I appreciate anyone who listens, anyone who learns, anyone who laughs along with me & my guests on The Pish Tosh Podcast.
SNEAK PEEK: Every Tuesday
Ep. 8: August 6th: Mary Doctor: Theatrically Educated, strong, independent, young woman who performs improv multiple times each month in Chicago & attends writing classes at the Second City!
Ep. 9: August 13th: Jacques Belliveau: Engineer, writer, producer, director, actor, comedian, personal trainer, food truck owner/operator...the list goes on & on!
Ep. 10: August 20th: Jacob Brayton: Improver, portrays Demi-demon Rik on The Podcast from Hell through Queen City Comedy!
Ep. 11: August 27th: Lauren Ansley: Stand-up comedian who has begun producing successful comedy showcases in & around the Charlotte, NC area!
Check out the Pish Tosh Podcast on iTunes, Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Youtube, This Website! & Podbean! If you enjoy, please share with your friends & reach out to me if:
- You are a performer that would like an interview & to share your story on the show.
- You have a product, company, &/or cause that you would like promoted on the show.
- You just feel like starting a convo with me &/or asking me a question.
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July Recap!
Recapture...Recapitation?...Recappering...
| | On July 5th & 6th, I attended my first traditionally Indian Wedding! Thank you Parv & Prash for letting me witness your beautiful commitment & Thank you to my partner Corey for asking me to be your plus one, giving me a dress that makes me feel like a princess & for wearing that beautiful floral new tie! |
A full & satisfying visit home to NC
I feel so lucky to have been able to road trip down south in July & I feel lucky to have come back to my new home in Illinois! The trip included but was not limited to:
The Grievous Gallery for biking, blading, & boarding. Lost & Found for gift-purchasing. Koco Java for coffee. Disc Golf with an old friend. Blithe Spirit at the Lee Street Theatre. Singing with family. Recording not one, not two, but THREE podcast interviews with awesome individuals in the comedy realm. Meetings for potential acting work in the future in NC.
The Grievous Gallery for biking, blading, & boarding. Lost & Found for gift-purchasing. Koco Java for coffee. Disc Golf with an old friend. Blithe Spirit at the Lee Street Theatre. Singing with family. Recording not one, not two, but THREE podcast interviews with awesome individuals in the comedy realm. Meetings for potential acting work in the future in NC.
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The part of the trip I'm most excited to share was my experience filming my first shoot for a Full Length Feature Film. The movie is a millennial depression comedy called Reggie! I so beleive in the beauty of this funny film & cannot wait to see this project completed. Learn more about this heart-felt, hilarious film by checking out their facebook & instagram Like, share, & follow on Facebook by visiting facebook.com/thereggiefilm/
Long story short - I didn't sleep much during this week & have since napped so hard I though I died for a second.
 |  On the set of the Reggie Film! I play main character's (Mitch) mom in a flashback scene that is quite powerful. What an amazing opportunity that I am very thankful for! |
Judy "New Do" Books | |
RibFest Family Reunion 2019!
I was honored to design the first ever RibFest Family Reunion T-shirts for our family's gathering in IL this year! It was a fantastic time & always good to see some of my unumerable cousins!
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July Art
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Thank you for listening! Thank you for Reading! Thank you for Viewing! Thank you for being You & Using Your Senses!
Stay tuned for some big changes in the near future.
UNTIL SOON
My wish for excruciating Summer heat has finally come true! I'm positively melting with excitement! Sweating with joy! Perspiring with Inspiration!
~The Pish Tosh Podcast ~The Loft Circus Arts ~The 1st semester of the 2nd City ~Short Film Shoot ~June's Artwork ~Urban Exploration
~The Pish Tosh Podcast ~The Loft Circus Arts ~The 1st semester of the 2nd City ~Short Film Shoot ~June's Artwork ~Urban Exploration
The Pish Tosh Podcast
On June 12th, I decided to start my own podcast. Less than a week later, I had published the first episode of The Pish Tosh Podcast. I simply purchased some equipment, scheduled some interviews, taught myself the basics of recording & splicing audio, & hoped for the best. I was not expecting just how much I would love getting to know my guests one-on-one & discovering what brought them to the Second City. At first, I planned to publish an episode each month but I enjoyed the interview process so much that I quickly changed my mind & will now be publishing episodes every Tuesday for the foreseeable future. I currently have the first two episodes completed & published, three additional interviews recorded, & an array of promising guests for the future!
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The Loft Circus Arts Training Center
I have discovered even more wonders that Chicago has to offer! For example, the Loft Circus: Contemporary Circus Arts Training Center! Before heading to Illinois, I discovered my love of the circus arts in Concord, NC at the Cirq-U Training Center while taking a Lyra workshop (hanging hoop acrobatics). On the first of June, I attended this fabulous show [videos below] performed by the students currently in the most intensive & inclusive program at the The Loft. If you can believe it, they are only 9 months into the program (only about half-way & are already amazing)!
I hope to start beginners trapeze in the Fall (time & energy permitting). Fortunately, I have already broken my neck before & I've heard it's like chicken pox, once it's happened, it can't happen again.
I hope to start beginners trapeze in the Fall (time & energy permitting). Fortunately, I have already broken my neck before & I've heard it's like chicken pox, once it's happened, it can't happen again.
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My First Semester at the Second City
I absolutely loved my Improv level A course & feel as if I made some lovely connections with some very talented & brave individuals.
I learned so much from my Writing 1 course & walked away with at least a half dozen original sketches in my portfolio. With the valuable feedback I received from my instructor & classmates, I now feel confident that, with some workshopping, my writing can be considered legitimately good literary comedy.
For my second semester at the Second City, I planned to take acting & more improv. When I expressed this to a classmate they asked why I didn't move into the Improv for Actors program at Second City. I let them know that the program required that the applicant have a degree in acting &/or theater & I didn't feel like my experience would be enough. The more I thought it over though, the more I was reminded that I enjoy a challenge & that the worst that they could tell me is no & I at that point I would be in the same boat. I talked to instructors, sent emails, made phone calls, spruced up my acting resume, & on June 10th, was accepted into the Improv for Actors program. This means it will take half as long & half as much coursework to reach toward my overall goal of auditioning for the Conservatory Program (similar to an internship).
I started my first Improv for Actors class on Sunday, June 30th (yesterday). While inside the black, windowless walls of the classroom, I felt completely free & exactly where I'm supposed to be. To someone else the class might be suffocating, terrifying, embarrassing, but not for me. Through the exercises & activities, I felt transformed into dozens of characters, I felt as if I traveled to multiple locations every time I stood up. I was an old woman, a hairdresser, a professor. I was at a concert, a mini golf course, & The Walgreen's.
I can honestly say, after only one class, I can vividly remember the teacher's & all of my classmates' faces & names clearly. What I mean is that this feels important. This is important to me.
I learned so much from my Writing 1 course & walked away with at least a half dozen original sketches in my portfolio. With the valuable feedback I received from my instructor & classmates, I now feel confident that, with some workshopping, my writing can be considered legitimately good literary comedy.
For my second semester at the Second City, I planned to take acting & more improv. When I expressed this to a classmate they asked why I didn't move into the Improv for Actors program at Second City. I let them know that the program required that the applicant have a degree in acting &/or theater & I didn't feel like my experience would be enough. The more I thought it over though, the more I was reminded that I enjoy a challenge & that the worst that they could tell me is no & I at that point I would be in the same boat. I talked to instructors, sent emails, made phone calls, spruced up my acting resume, & on June 10th, was accepted into the Improv for Actors program. This means it will take half as long & half as much coursework to reach toward my overall goal of auditioning for the Conservatory Program (similar to an internship).
I started my first Improv for Actors class on Sunday, June 30th (yesterday). While inside the black, windowless walls of the classroom, I felt completely free & exactly where I'm supposed to be. To someone else the class might be suffocating, terrifying, embarrassing, but not for me. Through the exercises & activities, I felt transformed into dozens of characters, I felt as if I traveled to multiple locations every time I stood up. I was an old woman, a hairdresser, a professor. I was at a concert, a mini golf course, & The Walgreen's.
I can honestly say, after only one class, I can vividly remember the teacher's & all of my classmates' faces & names clearly. What I mean is that this feels important. This is important to me.
I have been enjoying listening to the amazing works of Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, Amy Sedaris, & more amazingly talented writers & performers in this Second City compilation.
I performed my first speaking role in a film!
We Will Build a Great, Great Park
I had such a blast with my cohorts/actors/new friends.
Saturday, June 29th, 2019 ~ Montrose Dog Beach, Chicago, IL
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June's Doodles & Dallies | |
Urban Exploration & Acclimating to City Life
Sometimes the city can be overwhelming for someone with social anxiety & a history of isolation but I choose to focus on all of the positive experiences I had in June & appreciate how far I've come & the opportunity to continue to experience new & wonderful things.
- I ate authentic Indian & authentic Korean cuisine for the first time
- I saw stand-up comedy storytelling at the Lincoln Loft in support of a great cause
- I watched the pros at the Second City at two different shows in June perform sketch & improv shows, making it all look so deceptively easy.
- I learned to navigate the L Train on my own
- I met a family of raccoons
- I played in parks & explored festivals
 A Taste of Home :D Salisbury, NC. Thank you, World Market!  Delicious Indian Cuisine!  Flavorful Korean Food |  |
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July holds some promising opportunities & I would like to start the month off right by expressing some gratitude:
- Thank you to any & all who take the time to read this blog &/or listen to the podcast. It all may be pish tosh but it certainly means a lot to me - so, Thank you.
- Thank you to my guests on the Pish Tosh Podcast: David, Jeff, Riccardo, Sam, & Cody! I loved getting to know each of you better. Thank you for the laughs & the incites.
- Thank you to my partner, Corey, for the encouragement, support, & brainstorming sessions. Also, Congratulations to Corey for auditioning & being accepted into the Second City's Coached Ensemble! Whoop Whoop!
Until Soon...
May 2019 has been a month of unimaginable change caused by a combination of hard work, determination, & compassionate luck I am so grateful for.
In just this past month, I have moved half way across the country, quit smoking cigarettes after seven years & about seven hundred failed attempts, I have started a new job, began comedy classes, and tried so many other new things (Film Auditions, Performing Stand-Up in Chicago, Alcoholics Anonymous, Hot Yoga, Bratwurst, Background Talent on Film Sets, Sound Bath Meditation, Crossfit, Mole, to name just a few). Feel free to share your experiences with the items in bold above in the comments below!
In just this past month, I have moved half way across the country, quit smoking cigarettes after seven years & about seven hundred failed attempts, I have started a new job, began comedy classes, and tried so many other new things (Film Auditions, Performing Stand-Up in Chicago, Alcoholics Anonymous, Hot Yoga, Bratwurst, Background Talent on Film Sets, Sound Bath Meditation, Crossfit, Mole, to name just a few). Feel free to share your experiences with the items in bold above in the comments below!
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Yet, things didn't start off as smoothly as I'd hoped when I first arrived in Illinois, due in part, to Illinois having had a record breakingly wet May. Moving from the routine heat of North Carolina to the cold damp true North gave me a deep rattling chest cold & worse, a bad case of home sickness. I missed my friends & immediate family, missed the warmth & the warm familiar places in & around Rowan County that I've grown to love. Everything here was unfamiliar & I wondered if I'd made a big mistake.
My response to my apprehension & illness was to focus on my health. I began taking Yoga, Crossfit, & Zumba classes, getting lots of sleep, adding more protein & calories in my diet, & finally quitting my nasty nicotine habit with a combination of Twizzlers, a couple days of Nicotine Patches, exercise, LOTS of Water, celery, gum, & a banana shaped teething toy designed for babies. If anyone needs advice or support who is thinking of quitting cigarettes, please feel free & welcome to reach out! It has only been three weeks but I feel more clear headed, healthier, & confident that I will never pick up another cigarette again. To those of you who already have reached out to me about quitting - I believe in you!
My response to my apprehension & illness was to focus on my health. I began taking Yoga, Crossfit, & Zumba classes, getting lots of sleep, adding more protein & calories in my diet, & finally quitting my nasty nicotine habit with a combination of Twizzlers, a couple days of Nicotine Patches, exercise, LOTS of Water, celery, gum, & a banana shaped teething toy designed for babies. If anyone needs advice or support who is thinking of quitting cigarettes, please feel free & welcome to reach out! It has only been three weeks but I feel more clear headed, healthier, & confident that I will never pick up another cigarette again. To those of you who already have reached out to me about quitting - I believe in you!
 My aunt Dot & BFF Judy Books have been rocks during this transition period & I couldn't have done it without them. I'm happy to say that Judy is thriving in IL & has handled taking on her own new things (name tag, microchip, toys, treats, & even learned some new tricks along the way) with grace & a crooked smile. I have loved spending time truly getting to know my aunt Dot for the first time. We have shared meals, laughed, played Bingo, talked, yelled at Wheel of Fortune, helped one another physically & emotionally, & I'm so grateful to have her support & generosity. | |
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I don't have any sponsors, nor am I paid to plug
any products YET I must suggest you check out the
following recommendations for your listening pleasure:
The Podcast from Hell is a brand new podcast featuring Charlotte Comedians with Queen City Comedy, Cale Evans & Jacob Brayton. Last year, I had a blast taking an improv workshop led by Cale. Jacob is one of the funniest people I've ever met. I've seen his talent in theater productions, improv shows, & in casual settings, his quick wit will have you rolling. I'm very fortunate to say he & I costarred in my first performance ever the comedic, touching, & fast-paced adaption of Pride & Prejudice. *This Podcast is not for the faint of heart XD. Best for those with someone demonic tendencies.*
Great Audiobooks I consumed this month about the unique journeys of some inspirational & beloved comedians.
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The Number One City & The Second City
Although I've had some hiccups here & there (missing trains, walking in cold rain because of lost umbrellas, misunderstanding tolls, my bumper falling off, etc.), I have quickly fallen in love with Chicago & find myself wanting to spend all my free time walking its busy streets, admiring its beautiful murals, statues, & architecture, & meeting its lovely, interesting, talented & diverse residents. I have enjoyed the Lincoln Park Zoo, Farmer's Markets & Festivals, The American Writers' Museum, Improv shows at the Comedy Clubhouse & Second City's Mainstage, & Lake Michigan.
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My experiences so far at the Second City's Training Center have been my favorite though. I am currently taking Improv A & Writing 1 & both courses have already put me in touch with creative avenues I didn't even know existed, forced me to break patterns, overcome instincts, work as a team, & harness my imagination. I'm excited to announce that I have now registered for my second semester & will be taking Improv B & Acting 1 this Summer. I have learned that people are people no matter how far you travel & I certainly love people. I say that to say, I am appreciative of the Second City for, also, giving me opportunities to make new friends & invaluable connections.
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May 2019's Artistic Endeavors & Explorations
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The Octopus now has a Colorful Head!
Thank you Andy Daugherty of Andy's Tat2 Crue!
 BEFORE |  AFTER |  AFTER |
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Thank you to those who bought Red March Merch in May!!!
 Happy Birthday Lucas! Your aunt loves & misses you so much!!! | Thank you Becky, Peggy, Dot, Corey, & especially Tara who kept me safe at the library for a decade & not only bought I shirt for herself but one for the lovely Aida [right]! Thank you Aida for repping the brand & promoting online! |  |
A new shipment of the Black-T Red March Design has just arrived so CONTACT ME for details or to place an order!
In closing, thank you to anyone who takes the time to read my blog posts & explore my life. The ability to be understood is an almost impossible achievement & the desire to be understood is overwhelming. Any attempts made are felt so deeply & I appreciate you.
Until Soon...
Until Soon...
 One of Judy's Bday Gifts Let me tell you somethin' bout my best friend. She's about 8 lbs. She's white & floofy like a cloud in a dream of heaven. She's got more rows of teeth than anything should have except for a shark maybe. She hates long car rides. She loves things that crinkle. Today is her second birthday & lastly, for the past eight months, she's been my reason to wake up in the morning & my reason to come home at night. Judy Books came into my life in September of last year, 2018, after her previous well-intentioned owner came to the conclusion that her regular grooming & high energy would be too much responsibility & she needed a new home. She was very skiddish at first & I was convinced for the first month that she hated me. My nephew would call her "Cutie" over & over & each time it would come out more like "Judy". The name Judy stuck & since she has had countless middle names but her last name, Books, isn't going anywhere. "Books" came about after I wished I could take her with me to the library while I worked & thought, maybe if I just name her books, I could get away with it, "Nothing to see here! This is just Books!" I was not brave enough to bring her to the library but I did bring her to the Bull Hole, Dan Nicholas Park, Pilot Mountain, Hanging Rock, the Mayo River State Park, & as of yesterday, all the way to Illinois. I was highly concerned about the cross-country road trip & bought a box of CBD dog treats in preparation as CBD has recently been assisting me with me own anxiety. I begin giving Judy a treat a night last week to prepare her & monitor her reaction. I left Concord, NC on Monday, April 29th & before reaching a friend's house in Salisbury, NC, Judy had already gotten sick & thrown up in the backseat. I took her out of the car, cleaned the mess, & the two of us walked around outside for a bit to give her some fresh air & exercise before trying again. She seemed to be in a fabulous mood, hopping around in the tall grass, rubbing her head & body on the ground happily. When we were finished, I noticed that half of Judy's head & parts of her body were covered in a thick, bright, red, substance. The smell was horrendous & I quickly deduced that her joyous obsession with that certain spot in the yard was due to the fact that there was a freshly dead animal among the foliage & she wanted to wear it's blood like lotion. I love this sick bitch. I used a wet rag to rub the mess away but she was then stained pink & still hinted of decaying flesh. Fortunately, my friend was quick with the rag & also researched ways to assist animals with motion sickness. Judy & I stopped at a pharmacy next & she got a very fancy wet dog food (chicken livers, yum!) & some Dramamine. I sat in the grass outside of the pharmacy, bit the tiny pill in half, & put it in her fancy food, only allowing her to eat half of the gourmet meal, in case it didn't work & she was sick again. I took some time to let the medicine set in & the two of us road from Salisbury, NC to Washington Court House (that name though), OH. We checked into the hotel & first things first, Judy got a full bath. She loved her first stay at a hotel (or maybe just loved being out of the car for a while). She only escaped into the hallway once & of course it was when I was wearing no pants...I'll save that part for the book, I guess. At 5:45 am the next morning, Judy got another dose of dramamine & her breakfast. I ate my breakfast while I let her medicine do the trick & we hit the road again. Judy experienced some diarrhea in the car as we neared our destination & had some juicy squirts for the remainder of the day yesterday but I'm so proud of her because she did no whining the entire 16+ hours of driving. She is such a trooper & her ability to keep wagging her tail even when she's not feeling well is an inspiration. In 2018, two family dogs passed away & the experience of helping bury both my father's dog of 19 years (Shadow, black lab mix) & my mother's dog of 15 years (Eddie Sunshine, Cocker Spaniel) reminds me how important it is to enjoy each day you are gifted with when it comes to these beautiful creatures who have evolved to love & listen to humans in ways we don't always deserve or believe we deserve. I look forward to falling asleep with her laying next to or on top of me each night & look forward to her waking me up by gently pressing her head into my chest (her hug) each day. Loving her & being loved by her has taught me so much this year about patience, acceptance, enabling vs. assisting, & more. TELL ME ABOUT YOUR PETS IN THE COMMENTS! I absolutely love animals of all shapes & sizes & would be happy to read about anything you'd like to share about your own furbabies. April, my last month in NC for a while, was a whirlwind & I want to say how thankful I am for those who took the time to give me a last hurrah! Also a big shout out to those who bought Red March T-shirts &/or tank tops this month: Jack, The Dude, Brittany, Chase, Taryn, Sheli, Brandy, & Becky! Classes at the 2nd City begin this Saturday, May 4th! I look forward to writing, resting, & getting settled in the meantime & I wish all readers the very best May! I have a feeling it will be a beautiful month full of growth & positivity! |        Even More Pics |
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I have made the decision to pursue comedy, writing, & acting at the glorious 2nd City training center in Chicago, IL. The 2nd city is responsible for training some of my all-time favorite comedians such as Tina Fey, Steve Carell, Chris Farley, Stephen Colbert, Mike Myers, & Amy Poehler.
I plan to depart beautiful North Carolina in just a few short weeks & so have been making a point of visiting my favorite Salisbury, NC spots before I head North:
Lost & Found, Koco Java, & the Grievous Gallery.
Lost & Found, Koco Java, & the Grievous Gallery.
Lost & Found
Lost and Found is a humble store in Salisbury, NC, nestled in an alleyway away from any hustle & bustle. Yet, it is so much more.
The items sold are filled with a warmth that can be felt especially by those who may be feeling unreasonably cold. They are unique, antique, & eclectic. Many items are created by local NC artists who, like the owner and operator, Iain Rocco, put their heart into their work to benefit the community & make the world a more peaceful & interesting place. I have spent many Thursday evenings at their weekly open mic night events, listening to beautiful music created by strangers who have become dear friends. I began attending alone in 2016 & was unable to engage or speak at an audible volume. I stuck to the walls & with wide eyes & a big smile, listened with more than my ears to the community of misfits, artists, & entertainers whom I've grown to love. Since I was unable to communicate verbally, I began to use the chalk provided for free to draw images on the brick & pavement outside. I connected with people by drawing their likenesses in massive caricatures. I'd watch their eyes light up when they saw themselves through my eyes & hoped it gave them the feeling of being special & worthy of attention, feelings some of us desire but rarely achieve. |
Maegan [Left] & Owner, Iain [Right] performing at L&F in their band the Junkyard Violets
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Eventually I found my voice, mustered my bravery & in December of 2017, was able to stand up & perform an original song for the first time. The feedback was kind, supportive, & positive. It gave me the courage to continue writing & performing my works & I will be eternally grateful for the laid-back & welcoming environment that brought me out of my shell & gave me a place to reach out, connect, & feel as if I was part of a community of like-minded artists & caregivers.
For more information about Lost & Found & their weekly open mic nights [Thursdays 9pm-11pm] visit the links below.
Ever been to Lost & Found? If so, what'd'ya think? Ever tried performing at an open mic night?
{Remember, feel free to share any & all experiences you'd like in the comments below! Questions in Bold are specifically posed to prompt open & positive communication.}
For more information about Lost & Found & their weekly open mic nights [Thursdays 9pm-11pm] visit the links below.
Ever been to Lost & Found? If so, what'd'ya think? Ever tried performing at an open mic night?
{Remember, feel free to share any & all experiences you'd like in the comments below! Questions in Bold are specifically posed to prompt open & positive communication.}
Koco Java
I am so grateful to this Salisbury fixture of a coffee shop, Koco Java! They have provided thousands of delicious & dirty chai lattes for me over the years & have always been patient & kind when I stutter & stammer out my regular order too quietly.
Koco Java has been a peaceful space for me to conduct meetings, write, draw, socialize, or simply sit back, relax, & take in the wonderful aroma of freshly brewed coffee. I miss this place already & sipping on my Koco Java treat as I write this post. |
Free "Puppaccino" for Sweet Judy Books.
Doodling the coffee shop.
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Many of my adventures started with making plans while sipping lattes & frappes at Koco Java
There is always inspiration around at a busy coffee shop. In this case, I jotted down a quick sketch of owner & operator, Arturo.
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What's your favorite coffee shop & why? What's your beverage of choice?
Grievous Gallery
This interactive art gallery & event space provides an opportunity for those who feel the need, to air their grievances without hurting themselves or others by breaking glass, attending open mic nights, open bike nights (AKA Joy Rides!), listening to poetry & music, seeing gorgeous & powerful works of art & often even magic!
Located at:
111 W. Bank St. Salisbury, NC 28144 |
Roller Skating is one of my very favorite pass-times but rinks have become scarce & can be costly to visit on a regular basis. To my great pleasure, I was able to attend one of Grievous Gallery's "Joy Rides" which are free to the public & welcome any & all non-motorized vehicles such as bicycles, unicycles, skateboards, roller blades, & roller skates!
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A signed & framed poster of my all-time favorite band Blue October hangs on the walls! When attending Blue October's Charlote Concert in 2018, I even ran into owners, Tim & Elysia Demers & their daughter, Morgan!
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The work of mind-blowingly talented graffiti artist "Abstract Dissent" can be found on the walls throughout Grievous Gallery!
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80's Prom Night!
As someone who only attended proms for homeshooled teens, I was delighted to attend Grievous Gallery's 80's Prom Night Event in February 2019! I had a blast dancing & laughing with my date, Grievous Gallery resident, Mr. Alien Doll Dude. |
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Open Mic Night: Tuesdays from 8pm - 10pm
I performed at Grievous Gallery during their Open Mic Night event in March 2019 with Caleb Hill [Right]. I first met Caleb on Halloween night 2017 on my first trip to the Gallery & this singer, songwriter, artist, & jack of many more trades was so welcoming & joyous. He has since become a close friend & inspiration. He is one of many talented patrons that frequent this fascinating establishment that I have had the joy of getting to know. |
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American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Fundraiser
For my birthday this year (Go PISCIS!), I decided to donate, and encourage others to donate, to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I set a goal of $100 and was surprised and delighted when generous and dear friends helped surpass that goal by over twice the original amount I hoped to raise! I am so appreciative of the huge hearts swimming around out there, trying to help in any way they can to keep others from drowning.
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More THANK YOUs!
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Giant Thank you to all who attended my silly birthday party at Tiger World! |
I also want to give a shout out to all who bought Red March Swag in March:
Kat, Sonia, Amanda, Brittany, & Justin!
Thank You for Promoting Red March on Social Media, Sonia!!!
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Finally, I'd like to, on a serious note, mention another reason I find it so important to leave North Carolina...maybe for a couple months, maybe for the Summer, maybe for the rest of my life...
I have spent the past year working on myself, becoming more self-aware, honest, & direct. To my dismay I have begun recognizing patterns of unhealthy, disproportionate relationships. I have a habit of developing attachments, quickly, deeply, & with little regard to my own mental or physical well-being. Once attached, I find myself desperate to please the person (on the verge of worship) & unable to prioritize my needs & desires above theirs.
The inception of these maladaptive habits can be traced to my parents, whom I love, yet cannot, to this day stop taking care of. They have used guilt & manipulation, both consciously & subconsciously to control my actions & force me to be whoever they need - caregiver, confidant, verbal punching-bag, etc. for my entire life when they themselves weren't able to properly care for me in the ways that I have since & continue to care for them. Their negative behavior is claimed to be quickly & completely forgotten which makes it impossible for me to accept their apologies which are few & far between. Until I am able to emotionally & mentally detach from them, a far physical separation is absolutely necessary.
I appreciate their understanding during this process & must fight my own guilt for leaving them yet know it is the healthiest option for me & will save my life.
I have spent the past year working on myself, becoming more self-aware, honest, & direct. To my dismay I have begun recognizing patterns of unhealthy, disproportionate relationships. I have a habit of developing attachments, quickly, deeply, & with little regard to my own mental or physical well-being. Once attached, I find myself desperate to please the person (on the verge of worship) & unable to prioritize my needs & desires above theirs.
The inception of these maladaptive habits can be traced to my parents, whom I love, yet cannot, to this day stop taking care of. They have used guilt & manipulation, both consciously & subconsciously to control my actions & force me to be whoever they need - caregiver, confidant, verbal punching-bag, etc. for my entire life when they themselves weren't able to properly care for me in the ways that I have since & continue to care for them. Their negative behavior is claimed to be quickly & completely forgotten which makes it impossible for me to accept their apologies which are few & far between. Until I am able to emotionally & mentally detach from them, a far physical separation is absolutely necessary.
I appreciate their understanding during this process & must fight my own guilt for leaving them yet know it is the healthiest option for me & will save my life.
In 2016, my father hurt his back. I took him to the doctor and to my shock and dismay, learned that it was the first time in over 30 years (since before I was born) that he had been to see a doctor. Due to a genetic predisposition for dementia, his many years of experience working with lead paint, and his love of alcohol, pa's memory isn't what it once was & it became apparent that a parent needed some assistance.
I began taking him to a variety of specialists for the check-ups that were long past due. Later that year, he was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I moved him in with me and the following few months were spent in and out of hospitals and doctors offices fighting infections, allergic reactions, and side effects. Among other movies the hospital provides, pa & I watched Smokey & the Bandit, Frozen, and a PBS tribute to outlaw country musicians. The results came back and fortunately, the surgeon was able to remove all cancerous tumors in his bladder in January of 2017.
Unfortunately, In December of last year, he received the same diagnosis, the C word was back, trust me, cancer is a real cunt (I don't use this word lightly but cancer deserves it). Throughout the first round of doctors' visits and surgeries two years previous, I continued to work my 40 hour weeks and found myself constantly exhausted, sick, and with migraines that made me vomit uncontrollably. So when I scheduled his surgery for Jan. 2019, I decided that I needed to take time off to take care of him (and of myself) during this stressful and emotional process. The surgery went even smoother than last time yet my father had fallen in late December and fractured a small area of his spine causing tremendous pain and difficulty completing everyday tasks. During my time taking care of my father* I did a lot of thinking about my future.
On Feb. 18th I submitted my resignation. It was an extremely difficult decision as I have worked for this library system for over 10 years. I was only 16 years old when I began as a page and the system has been like a second (or first?) home to me. My coworkers and patrons felt like family. Yet there is no room for that kind of thinking in a professional business organization and that has been made clear to me these past couple of years yet I still felt deep love for my coworkers, love for my patrons, love for my system which is not professional and it was time to fly from the nest and explore some new career options and opportunities.
I attended the fabulous 80's-themed Prom at the Grievous Gallery in Salisbury, NC & had such a great time that I decided to record a song I made up and have sung for the last year hoping it would give me the courage to move on, wander, explore! instead of remaining at the same job for 50 years and retiring without having at least given my dreams a shot.
I began taking him to a variety of specialists for the check-ups that were long past due. Later that year, he was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I moved him in with me and the following few months were spent in and out of hospitals and doctors offices fighting infections, allergic reactions, and side effects. Among other movies the hospital provides, pa & I watched Smokey & the Bandit, Frozen, and a PBS tribute to outlaw country musicians. The results came back and fortunately, the surgeon was able to remove all cancerous tumors in his bladder in January of 2017.
Unfortunately, In December of last year, he received the same diagnosis, the C word was back, trust me, cancer is a real cunt (I don't use this word lightly but cancer deserves it). Throughout the first round of doctors' visits and surgeries two years previous, I continued to work my 40 hour weeks and found myself constantly exhausted, sick, and with migraines that made me vomit uncontrollably. So when I scheduled his surgery for Jan. 2019, I decided that I needed to take time off to take care of him (and of myself) during this stressful and emotional process. The surgery went even smoother than last time yet my father had fallen in late December and fractured a small area of his spine causing tremendous pain and difficulty completing everyday tasks. During my time taking care of my father* I did a lot of thinking about my future.
On Feb. 18th I submitted my resignation. It was an extremely difficult decision as I have worked for this library system for over 10 years. I was only 16 years old when I began as a page and the system has been like a second (or first?) home to me. My coworkers and patrons felt like family. Yet there is no room for that kind of thinking in a professional business organization and that has been made clear to me these past couple of years yet I still felt deep love for my coworkers, love for my patrons, love for my system which is not professional and it was time to fly from the nest and explore some new career options and opportunities.
I attended the fabulous 80's-themed Prom at the Grievous Gallery in Salisbury, NC & had such a great time that I decided to record a song I made up and have sung for the last year hoping it would give me the courage to move on, wander, explore! instead of remaining at the same job for 50 years and retiring without having at least given my dreams a shot.
I've decided to also take this time to finish the book I've been planning to write. I've promised to "reveal" the title today, March 1st, but I wanted to note that this was not a promotional tactic as much as it has been a deadline I had to set for myself to be able to put the title out there into the universe. I have made a lot of progress on the book this week and sharing any part of it - even the name is terrifying. This is a project that is extremely close to my heart and difficult to share with others as it is not the part of me I like for others to see - my ugly side - if you will. When I'm less emotionally exhausted I'll explain more about the book but for now...but for now...but for now...but for no.....ow...The title of the book is...
The Suicide Shark is an illustrated autobiography. It is written in 3rd person & includes darkly comedic memoirs of my short life...so far.
*(and I have also continued to rehearse for the GLORIOUS play THE CAKE! Have you seen it? If so, what did you think? Two showings left; tonight, Fri., March 1st, & tomorrow, March 2nd at 7:30 pm - doors open at 7. Tickets are only $15)
Emma Red March Rose
Emma Red March Rose
Pish Tosh
[Like "Bullshit" but Gayer]
Small-town southern ginger librarian moved to Chicago to pursue acting & comedy with her best friend, havanese dog Judy Books by her side.
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